What is White Matter

White matter is the brain tissue through which messages pass between different areas of grey matter within the nervous system. Using a computer network as an analogy, the grey matter can be thought of as the actual computers themselves, whereas the white matter represents the network cables connecting the computers together.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Two Rivers – Part – 4 [Truly Madly Deeply - Shimmy's Viewpoint]

Radha interrupted her mom, Shimmy – “Mom, I could only relate that soulful song, papa performed. Everything else might be some other story, some other characters, but not you both.”

Shimmy winked – “That’s like my girl. You caught a wicked storyteller. Yes, I wished my four years of engineering should have passed happily ever after like a fairy tale. I told this version of story because it is a good story. In reality, something more complicated, more painful and more emotional was written in our destiny.”

“Let me tell you true story of us, again from the start of college days.”

Year 2005 – 2009


Third day at college (my 1st day):-

There is always someone, like know-it-all types and who enhances your JK (Jabaran Knowledge). Akruti, my roommate, was a kind of it.

In the middle of 2nd lecture she asked me.

“Whom do you find the most handsome boy in the class?”

Blushed and embarrassed, I told her to concentrate on lecture. But she laughed and kept poking her elbow.

“Come on, tell me!!!”

“Okay, who is the most intelligent guy?” – I asked with a sheepish smile.

She pointed to a boy at backside, sincerely listening to the lecture, Amod from AP. I agreed just to make her happy, that he is the most handsome guy.

“Yuppie!!! Now you are sure about Amod, don’t even dare to touch my dream boy…” – Akruti Winked.

“How mean!!! Who is that one?”

“No, he didn’t show up today. He is the topper, very handsome and decent guy. All girls like him. The saddest part is, he doesn’t even talk to any girl.”

“Okay, it’s fine, I won’t even look at your boy and you can take Amod too.”

We both laughed and left for break.

***

Fifth day of college, I was late and in fact, the last one to enter in the class.

There he was, on the 2nd bench, next to ours. I could match the description told by Akruti.

I didn’t know what happened in that moment exactly. Even an entire life-time, would fall short to describe that single moment. Though he did not appear that handsome to me, but there was something, a strong connection I felt, that I knew and met him before. Not just years, decades but centuries before.

I felt a gush of blood, running behind my ears, creating a tingling sensation. My heartbeats were fast enough to cover the distance between earth and the sky, as in one tick, I felt cloud nine and green bed of earth, with another tick. My heart had sudden surge of uncomfortable feelings and the brain was full of confusion. I was neither happy nor excited and neither sad nor relaxed. I was not attracted to him, yet invisible strings were taking me towards him. What was it? What kind of feeling I had for him? I did not have answers, just perpetual questions?

I silently sat on my seat, with whirls of turbulence, in my mind. Akruti was right, he didn’t even look at me, entire day.

The days and months were passing like scratches on the glass, my discomfort was increasing day by day. Every time I saw him, I felt like asking him, why do I feel for you? I was very scared of him, as he didn’t even smile at anyone. The first thing my eyes used to search in entire class, was him. I used to feel alone, in his absence. I never disclosed my feelings to anyone, as even I was not sure of my feelings to him.

Nothing happened so far.

We completed one year, without even casual Hi-Hello.

***

In the 2nd year, I’d started taking data structures and C++ class as our professor was not available and I was able to teach because I’d completed those languages long back.

Students in our class were impressed by my teaching skills and started approaching me for clearing their doubts. This is when, the only friend of Ankush's, Manish came to me, for asking doubts. Manish asked me to become his friend as he was planning to do a project requiring C++ knowledge. I said him yes, without giving second thought. I thought, maybe I will come to know about Ankush from him.

Ankush was local to Chennai. He used to come by bus and travel back the moment lectures were over.

Manish and I used to stay back after classes to discuss about the project and study. Ankush never entertained us. I was getting very impatient. More I tried to come near him, more indifferent he behaved.

***

At college annual-day of second year, Ankush sang a song (I was unaware, that it was for me).

Ho Ho Maine Tujhe Dekha
Haste Hue Gaalon Mein, Bezar Khayalon Mein
Husn Ke Havaalon Mein,Soni Ke Baalon Mein
Morni Ki Chaalon Mein, Matti Ke Pyaalon Mein, Peetal Ke Thaalon Mein
Jitni Tu Milti Jaaye, Utni Lagey Thodi Thodi
Jab Bhi Tu Le Angdaayi, Aake Mil Ori
Toh Dil Jhoom Jhoom Chale Jhoom Jhoom Chale Soneya Soneya
Bachpan Ke Saavan Beetay, Ladakpan Ki Beeti Dhaara
Jab Mud Ke Dekha Peechay, Toh Chhoota Jeevan Saara
Phir Bhi Teri Aas Pakad Ke, Har Ik Din Guzaara Hai
[Teri Ik Nazar Pe Meri, Saans Ka Sahara Hai]
[Tumse Binti Karat Hoon Dil Todo Na Hamara]
[English Translation]
[Your one sight is the reason, for my every breath]
[It is my request, do not break my Heart]
Ankush was on knees, begging for love, on stage. He stopped, raised his hands and closed his wet eyes for few seconds. Audience was stunned what happened and thought that he might felt blank. Ankush opened eyes and his eyes met with my kohl-tipped eyes, looking at him, obviously. He started singing again with new enthusiasm and completed the performance.

Ke Dil Jhoom Jhoom Chale Jhoom Jhoom Chale Soneya Soneya
Dil Jhoom Jhoom Chale Jhoom Jhoom Chale Soneya Soneya

***

I didn’t realize, when I'd started feeling obsessed for him. In the dreams and in the mirror, I used to see him, smiling at me. I couldn’t believe, when I could see him everywhere, literally. Every time I saw poster of Vivekananda at my room, I saw his face, in it.

I was in love, truly, madly and deeply. I was so lost in my feelings for him that I didn't realize that Manish came to know about it. When we both used to study, half of the time I talked about Ankush, his songs, how he plays guitar, his sincerity, his brilliance in study and what not.

It was our 3rd year and one fine day, Manish asked me:-

“Shimmy, it is very evident that you like, in fact love, Ankush a lot, why don’t you tell him?”

I was surprised, shy and with mixed feeling I said:-

“Manish, it is nothing like that, please stay out of it!!!”

I was so afraid that what could happen if Manish tells it to him and guess what, he did. When exactly, I didn’t know.

***

Finally the 4th year started...

Final year project was the most important thing and everyone was forming group of three to start the project.

Manish and I were good friends by then. He asked me to become his project partner.

“Who will be our third partner?” – I asked.

“Of course Ankush” – Manish replied.

I was filled with joy inside but managed to hide from him.

Finally after waiting so long we had to work together. He used to sit next to me. I still don’t remember what I did in the project. I was so busy staring at him and still managed to hide from him. Sometimes I used to get caught and he used to give me blank stare.

Those were the best days of my life. 8 hours of a day were so less for me to spend with him. Boring college suddenly turned into best place on the planet. Though he never looked at me with love, I was happy.

We did talk but it was only about 'ICs...Chips...all electronics'.

This time spent and memories were enough for me, to spend rest of my life.

I was in love, unconditional and pure.

***

Year 2009 – 2011

Last semester came and flied away.

On my very last day in Chennai, I was sad and tears were unstoppable. Not because I was leaving the place where I was for 4 long years but because I knew I will never be able to see him.

We were not even good friends. A part of me wanted to ask him, why?

After thinking a lot, I messaged him.

“Hi Ankush, I am leaving...probably we will never meet. All the best... Bye”

I sat on the floor and cried for long, until it was time to wrap up and catch the train. On the train, I was standing near the gate for 4-5 hours, waiting for his reply because signal was weak inside train.

Finally, I got a message: - ''Yes, all the very best to you too”.

We ended there. An emptiness was growing inside me.

***

I came back to my home town. He was always with me in my dreams and in my thoughts, in my tears and in my smile. His memories were so strong and fresh, that I never felt we were not together.

It was one long year that passed without knowing his whereabouts. I didn't know where he went after college.

Was he still single? Was he even alive?

I joined Infosys and on Diwali holiday I was at my home. I received a mail on my Gmail. Guess what!!! It was him, Ankush.

He asked for my cell number. I could not believe my eyes and read the mail zillion times.

I danced around the house, sang songs out loud and hugged my mother & sister for no reason.

I gave him my number and he called up. He asked if we can be friends. Tears rolled down my eyes and I said yes.

After 5 long years, Radha!!! I can’t tell the beauty of that moment, I felt alive. I was back. Happy girl…

We talked about his new government job at Haryana, of course he waited for right time, till he settled down. Then one sweet day in February’2011, Ankush proposed me for marriage.

Still we were thousand miles apart. He was at Haryana & my posting was at Maharashtra.

Earlier our enemy was time and feelings untold. Now it was the distance and opposition from my family, bearing to his cast.

 [To Be Continued] 

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